Why Should I get Married? (part 3)

Why would anyone choose to be in a relationship that is hard, confusing and painful? Because the benefits outweigh the costs. Benefits like: growing up, overcoming selfishness, and the joys of knowing & being known.

To continue our story, there we were, crossing the Sierra Nevada mountains in my old VW bug, and talking about "our future." "So what should I tell people about our relationship?" she asked. I've since learned that she's really good at asking these kinds of questions. So where do these questions lead?

For me they led to some realizations about responsibility. Which means having to think about how your decisions affect someone else. But that's part of growing up. It seems that one of God's purposes for romantic love is to motivate us to take on the awesome, daunting challenge of being responsible for another person.

We decided to tell people we were engaged. So we got a ring and began discussing the date. There were a lot of considerations: school, finances, family. Things got complicated real fast. And the planning became very concrete and practical! Plans have a way of doing that. I think it was all these practical considerations that gave me what is often referred to as "cold feet." The doubts and fears were confusing, but I needed to become aware of them before taking on the responsibilities of marriage.

Taking responsibility is hard. And people tend to avoid what is hard. But when they do they miss out on an opportunity to mature. Secular culture has encouraged young couples to enjoy all the privileges and benefits without accepting responsibility. Just live together! Christian young adults, while believing that cohabitation and pre-marital sex are wrong, may decide that the responsibilities of marriage are just too much. Avoiding long-term commitment may be a way of protecting and prolonging an unhealthy spirit of independence.

The next episode in our story was about as embarrassing as the breakup I described in Part Two, only this time it didn't happen over a pay-phone. I remember sitting in Susi's car discussing dates and guest lists and details. In my mind I was still "fully committed" to getting married. But that's because I am an Idealist.

Idealism involves "envisioning things in an ideal and often impractical form." It may also mean a disregard for the practical means of reaching these high ideals. That's me!

Susi, by contrast, is extremely practical. To her my reluctance to nail things down was definitely a "lack of commitment." That day in the car, she took off the ring and once again became "un-engaged."

I was in my Senior year of college. Once the engagement was off I made a commitment to myself: "I will not get engaged again until I am graduated from college!" So I got busy figuring out just what it would take to graduate.

The night before graduation I took Susi out to dinner. I brought the ring, and asked her: "Will you marry me?" She said, "yes." Sad to say, it was a bit anti-climactic. It was the end of May and we decided we could plan a wedding over the summer. We set the date for September 4th, just two weeks before Susi's 20th birthday! I got a job with the phone company right after graduating.

My love/hate relationship with planning and details has stayed with me. It's kind of like taking your medicine: you do it because you know it's good for you! I did notice that once I made a firm commitment, my feelings about getting married began to fall into place supporting my decision! We had a date, we were making plans, I even had a job!

It goes without saying that when you're in love you feel happy being together. You might say, "we have so much in common!" or "we understand each other so well!" But as the relationship progresses, you find out you don't really see eye to eye on every issue. As differences surface and conflicts arise, you are faced with a choice:

1) You can try to ignore your differences and focus on the good feelings.

2) You can focus on the differences use it as an excuse to bail on the relationship.

3) You can hang in there and discover how your differences could work together.

Recognizing differences can pull you out of "la la land" and back to reality.

Susi and I discovered a lot of differences as we made our plans, but we gained confidence and developed unity as we followed through! We made it to the altar to exchange our vows, and we've been married 35 years now! Along with the joys of knowing and being known, we have discovered our deep wounds and brokenness. This has allowed us to start on the road to inner healing. More about that in Part 4.

#dating #marriage #courtship #culture #doubts #romanticlove