Why Should I get Married? (part one)

"Another place, another time . . ." It may as well have been "Long, long ago in a galaxy far, far away . . ." It was Silicon Valley at the end of the 70's. Sometimes referred to as "the decade when style slept." We have the pictures to prove it.

What was I thinking in 1977 when this sweet little curly-haired girl first crossed my radar? No, it wasn't "love at first sight." She was a friend of a friend, actually of a couple of friends. But the radar wasn't setting off any alarms, just another girl. Susi, on the other hand, noticed me from across the room and told a mutual friend, "That's the guy I'm gonna marry!"

We old folks assume that our experience might be helpful to kids growing up in the "twenty teens" - what do we call this decade anyway?

My wife and I have noticed many young adults who have postponed their decision about marriage, along with those who are waiting for "just the right person" (God's best?), and some who have given up altogether - "maybe God just wants me to be single!" Perhaps our story can provide some instruction. Or at least food for thought.

In 1979 I was a junior at San Jose State and a leader in the college group at our church in Los Altos. We called it the "Upper Room Fellowship" - clever, huh? There was this whole group of graduating seniors coming up from the Youth group and we wanted to help them make a good transition. Each student leader was given a list of seniors to get to know. The goal was to find out more about them and see how we could get them involved. Susi was on my list.

It strikes me that the questions I brought to that initial interview were guided by the task I had been given: find out about her, what are her hobbies, interests, influences? It turns out these were great questions! I would encourage you to try them out.

I've spent a lot of time learning to ask good questions. There are many different questions people ask when dating or courting. Some of them are better than others. It depends whether you're thinking about yourself or the other person.

What kind of woman am I looking for in a wife?

Who is the one who will meet all of my needs?

Who will even go out with me?

What woman would consider marrying a guy like me?

Where can I find someone who needs me?

How can I help her?

Back to my story - I wasn't really looking for a wife at the time. After a series of failed relationships and dating disasters I had given up. But I knew I still needed friends. And Susi looked like she could be a good one.

I was enjoying the friendship, but I remember asking God,

"Are you going to make me fall in love with this girl?"

The answer soon became obvious. But there was a friend who nudged me a bit.

"Isn't she cute?" he asked.

"Uh, I guess so." I replied.

"Open your eyes!!" he told me.

Apparently God did open my eyes, and I began to notice some of Susi's finer features.

After 35 years of marriage and 30 years of campus ministry I still encourage students: "It's important to be friends first, before all that romantic stuff starts to cloud your thinking." Once things did start to happen, they moved rather quickly. Our first real date was around Halloween, and by Christmas I had given her a "promise ring."

It is often suggested that in dating, or courting, we are trying to get to know the other person to see if we are compatible. So we're really asking "Who are you?" There are a couple of problems with this question. First of all, if the girl you're dating doesn't really know herself, then she can't give you an honest answer, even if she wants to.

Secondly, we may be overly sensitive to "the answer that will please you" or "what is it you're looking for in a mate?" in which case we can try to adapt, being hopeful that this relationship is going to work out.

Finally, we probably have some mixed motives and don't know exactly why we're trying to get to know this person. Am I trying to find out if this is "the one" who can meet all of my wants and needs? Or do I need to find out what their expectations are so I can see if I measure up? Probably a combination of the two.

And then if we're super-spiritual we have probably asked the question: "Can we serve God better together as a couple than we could as singles?" In the final analysis, there's only one good reason to do anything - and that's "because God wants you to."

Which brings me back to my own story. When we finally arrived at the altar our college minister gave us a great gift when he announced, "Matt & Susi. You are here today in obedience to God." This has served us well in the intervening years, "through many dangers, toils & snares!" But I'm getting ahead of myself. It took about 21 months to get from promise ring to wedding, with a lot of deciding and re-deciding along the way, I'll tell that story in Part Two.