Why Should I get Married? (part two)

So, I met this wonderful person whom I got to know as a good friend. And then we fell in love. Our story might be helpful to young people pursuing relationships, or those who are not sure if they should.

I hate to break it to you, but "We did not live happily ever after." To quote a line from my favorite movie, "Life is pain, Highness! Anyone who says different is trying to sell you something." I believe there's another whole blog post there. Let's just say that what happened next involved pain. At first I was mostly the cause of it. But as a consequence I was soon on the receiving end.

Once we discovered how much we liked being together, we hung out every day. If we weren't at work or at school, we were together. Remember the "promise ring" I gave her in December of '79? I should have known that keeping a promise is always harder than making one. One of the complementary traits I soon discovered is that Susi is "concrete sequential." I, on the other hand, am "abstract random." One of the ways this later worked itself out is that, while I liked the "idea" of getting married, she eventually wanted to know "when?"

In late May, 1980, I got in my '63 VW convertible and drove to Billings, Montana! It was the first time I had been away from home for more than two weeks. But more importantly, it was the first time in over 6 months that I had been apart from Susi for more than two days!

What happened next might be diagnosed as a severe case of "homesickness," except that I wasn't just missing my family & friends. I was missing Susi. Big-time! 1200 miles from home, planning to be there for the whole summer, I felt like a piece of me was missing. You know, like, "I left my heart in . . . San Francisco!" Only for me it was about 50 miles south of there in Susi's hometown, Santa Clara.

This was before cell phones and Skype and even email, so all we had was letters (aka snail-mail) or expensive long-distance calls to make an occasional connection. But that didn't stop me from making plans for a grand reunion, and soon! Our college group was on their way to Denver for a Campus Ambassador conference, and Susi would be with them. So instead of 24 hours of driving, she would be less than 8 hours away.

I quickly made arrangements to take leave from my position as a summer intern, and drove to Denver. My feelings of relief at being back together confirmed what a great choice I was making and I remembered being told, "When you feel like you can't live without her, it's time to get married!"

I don't think I would offer a young person the same advice. In retrospect, I noticed that for any other decisions in our Christian life, we would say, "Don't just go by your feelings." But when it comes to getting married, well, of course you have to be in love. And that would involve chemistry, a spark, and lots of intense feelings! What I was about to learn next was a hard lesson about letting your feelings guide your life.

In the heat of the moment, blissfully relieved of my inconsolable longings, I knew that she was the missing piece! "You complete me!" I asked her to marry me and she said "Yes!" With no ring and no plans, we were engaged. I never was big on advance planning. And since my time was up I was soon heading back to Billings.

So where's the pain? I was missing her. We were reunited. We decided to spend our lives together. Problem solved. But what were these new feelings? Back in Billings, I discovered a newfound confidence, on my own, apart from my family, even without Susi!

I remember visiting a college group in Billings, meeting some other students, and making a new friend. She just happened to be a girl. I know what you're thinking, but it wasn't like that. We were just friends. But it just so happened that she had moved out from Iowa for the summer having just broken off an engagement. When she found out I was engaged, she asked, "Are you sure you're ready for that?"

And I started to think about that. So I looked into my heart and asked, "Do I have enough love to last me a lifetime? Are these feelings really that strong?" The answer wasn't very helpful. Some days , yes, some days maybe not.

It was then that I did a very stupid, and embarrassing thing. I called a payphone at the conference, got Susi on the line and asked her if we could not be engaged. She was hurt in ways I could not have even imagined at the time. It's embarrassing to admit that I was so oblivious to how this would affect her. Once you become engaged you don't just "un-engage." It's called breaking up. Only that wasn't what I had in mind.

So, as you look at your current relationship or your desire to have a relationship, here are some things to keep in mind.

- Always have serious discussions in person. Breaking an engagement over a pay phone is probably today's equivalent of sending a text message.

- You will cause pain. And experience pain. You will have to learn to take responsibility. It doesn't really matter that "I didn't mean to hurt you."

- Serious relationships don't move "backwards" in levels of commitment. Friends start dating and become boyfriend & girlfriend, seeing each other exclusively, then making future plans together. You either get engaged and move ahead towards marriage, or give up and call it quits.

- The initial feelings of being "in love" eventually settle out. You discover that the person you had so much in common with is actually very different from you.

- Don't feel like you have to share all your feelings as they happen. When you're uncertain about your feelings, it's a bad time to try to express them. Feelings will change. And people change. They grow and mature. That's a good thing!

I haven't really answered the question as to why anyone would want to take on a relationship, when they can be so challenging, confusing, and even painful. So stay tuned for "Part 3!"

#culture #campus #marriage #dating #courtship