When I'm not Who I want to be

Last week I did something wrong. I was out on a walk with my wife and I said something that made her want to walk home alone. We've been married over 35 years, so I can't claim to not know. I've learned a few things about what makes her feel safe, and what doesn't. Chances are you've had those moments as well, times when you say, "I did that? I let someone down, someone I care about!"

At these times it's tempting to say, "That's not the real me. I'm not that guy." But the truth is, it happened and I did it. My choices, my words and my behavior show who I really am. That's hard to admit, but if we don't own up to it, we cut ourselves off from the one thing that can really help us change.

Not surprisingly, the first step in changing is owning up. Instead of saying, "That's not the real me," I can learn to say "That isn't who I want to be." Taking responsibility begins with us. But since our failure was brought to our attention by the one we hurt, the path we must walk to becoming who we really want to be is only made clear by allowing someone else to point the way.

"Why is that?" you might ask. "Why can't I just see it for myself and fix the problem on my own?" Let me suggest three reasons:

1) Blind Spots. We all have them and we can't see them. If we could, they wouldn't be called "blind spots."

2) The Exclusion of Painful Insights. It's just what it sounds like. Barbara Streisand sang "What's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget." The same goes for character flaws someone chooses to point out. "That's not me!"

3) Perspective. Others have a different "camera angle" as well as another way to process or interpret what they're seeing.

The bottom line is: we can learn a lot if we're willing to accept correction. But this means being under authority. And that's a very unpopular place to be these days. What with all the abuses of authority, from domestic violence to heavy handed police officers to those lying politicians.

I could say that you're not really under the authority of a person, but the authority of the truth they are speaking. This is dangerous because if you don't like the "truth" you're hearing you can just decide it's not true. It's better to find a friend you can trust to "speak into your life." Then decide that you will take their correction to heart.

That's the way to learn "who you really are" and start becoming who you want to be.