Feeling Slighted?

We all have those moments when we get overlooked. Someone else doesn't treat you as important as you believe yourself to be. It may go back to that time in grade school dividing into teams for kickball and you were the last kid picked.

It's hard to talk about these painful experiences. You want to defend yourself by proving how important you are. You want them to know you could have really been a big help and there's no chance of winning since they didn't pick you.

You might survive if it was just the kickball game. You could just choose a new arena: run for student government, join the chess club, compete in "Knowledge Bowl!" But there are other arenas: not getting a date for the prom, or not being invited to a party. Life is full of opportunities to be ignored, neglected, rejected.

Eventually it's about work, you get passed up for a promotion, you're not being appreciated for your job performance, you get "let go." Maybe you feel taken for granted in your marriage, or a friend doesn't acknowledge and appreciate your efforts.

For me it happens pretty regularly. I've realized I'm a bit of a "praise junkie." I want what I do to be noticed; I want who I am to be recognized. When I don't get asked to help with things I know I'm good at, I can start to feel offended. "Don't they know I would do a great job?" "Why wasn't I included?"

Here are some ideas for regaining perspective when you are grasping for evidence to demonstrate that you are valuable and deserving of esteem:

• Consider whether it could have been unintentional.

• Give them the benefit of the doubt for not knowing.

• Ask yourself "How would I have wanted things to go differently?"

• Think about this: "Does the way I was treated change who I really am?"

• Write down what you would like to say in response to feeling slighted.

• Before you send it, have your spouse or a trusted friend identify whether your response is kind, considerate & appropriate.

Having confidence and feeling good about yourself doesn't need to be dependent on how others treat you. And you don't need to "teach them a lesson" when they fail to recognize the contribution you could have made. Taking responsibility for our own happiness means being pro-active in choosing the words and events that shape our understanding of who we are and our value as persons.

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