Valentine's Mirages

As a freshman in High School I decided to run for class president. My best buddy Bob was my campaign manager with a grand scheme for getting votes. I made a rubber stamp that said "MATT 4 Prez." While Bob went down the halls putting masking tape on each locker, I followed right behind him stamping. Then something happened that we hadn't anticipated. Students began taking the tape off their lockers and sticking it everywhere else! Soon "MATT 4 Prez" was posted all over campus!

I won the election to student government, but we didn't do anything radical. But I did get to be a part of the Homecoming court and wear a tux to the dance. When the school year was over I ordered a yearbook that had "President Lundquist" in gold letters on it. This was just a first attempt at finding my way through the maze of false identities.

It's not just confused High School freshmen who have inflated ideas of who they are. We all have warped perceptions of who other people are and who they think we are! Since we all need to feel good about ourselves, shaping and controlling our self image seems essential. The task of creating and maintaining our image reaches new levels of intensity in close relationships.

Think of a budding romance as a relationship between two imaginary people. There's the woman that I think she is and the man that she thinks I am. Though actually there are a couple of other characters involved - there's the man I want her to think that I am and the woman she wants me to think she is. But wait, there's more! What about the man that I know myself to be and the woman she knows herself to be? And finally, there's the two people that we really are.

No wonder it starts getting complicated really fast. Even if we are committed to openness & authenticity and "full-disclosure," we have spots on our character we are blind to and things we are still learning about others. In relationship we begin to understand that our character is not exactly what we think it is or even what we attempt to honestly present to others.

What does this have to do with a freshman president's inflated ego? In High School I felt an intense drive to be popular. So what had I achieved? A new level of self-deception? How did it affect my relationships? Not much. I still hung out with the same old buddies, but now I had a few new friends in student government.

We don't have to be chronic liars or intentionally deceptive to portray ourselves in a good light. Mostly we're just insecure, lacking confidence and fearful of rejection. We've all been hurt in the past and we have failed to fully root ourselves in the unconditional love of God.

A few considerations as we send and receive "Love Notes" tomorrow:

1) We have lots of options for how we view people, we might call them "perspectives." Complications arise from all the "imagined characters" in the romantic plot. How much of our perspective is based on actual observations, and how much is just what we want to see?

2) Don't believe your own "press reports." We do a fair amount of "image management" in an attempt to bolster a sagging ego. How much better to just let it go? Feelings of "I'm not worthy" are not harmful when focused on gratitude for the undeserved favor and attention we are receiving.

3) My pastor always tells couples: Never lose that sense of breathless wonder that exclaims "out of all the people in this world, you have chosen me!" It's exciting to be chosen, and we should feel special.

4) I believe it was C.S. Lewis who pointed out that "while it may be quite possible to esteem our own selves too highly, we can hardly spend too much effort esteeming other selves."

So send those Valentines tomorrow enjoying the privilege of having people to love, and the thrill of having people who love you!