What are my Expectations? (Part 4)

All your life you've been storing up your ideas about what married life will be like.

“I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.” ― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Romantic love brings an initial thrill of having someone to be with, someone who makes you feel whole and confident. But intimacy soon starts to reveal greater needs. The closeness brings deeper insights into yourself and the person you are committing yourself to. What happens next?

In our story, a summer of planning and preparation kept us focused on the goal. September 4th was going to be the big day. The engagement period is to marriage what the dating process is to a committed relationship. What I'm talking about is "Great Expectations!" In dating your mind runs wild imagining how great it's going to be to start a deeper relationship. And during engagement it's natural to imagine how great it's going to be once you get married.

Did I have some "Great Expectations?" Me? Although I never read Dickens on the topic, I did read "A Severe Mercy," which is full of romantic idealism. It's about a young couple who fall in love at Oxford, in the company of C.S. Lewis. As pre-christians, they decided that if there's anything in life worth having, it's "to find a great love!" One of my favorite quotes from the book: "To hold her in my arms against the sunrise, it was all that I wanted, so long as my life should last!" Susi says the author has only good memories of his wife because he lost her to a terminal disease "while their love was in full bloom." He's writing the story years later, reminiscing.

I'm strongly convinced that there are huge benefits to getting married. Marriage provides companionship, intimacy, and emotional stability. But when it comes to meeting needs, and having our needs met, we just don't realize "how deep the rabbit hole goes!" It's like the layers of an onion, after each set of needs are met, deeper needs are revealed. Expecting these needs to be met is like asking for a blank check. And that's basically what you do when you say your wedding vows.

My expectations went something along the lines of: "You complete me! I've finally found my missing piece! Now I'm going to get all of my needs met. Here's someone who will laugh at all of my jokes. And you can do all the stuff I'm not good at or don't like doing. And since you seem to enjoy meeting my needs, let me tell you more about what I want and what I like. Oh yeah, I just thought of something else you should know about me!"

Most young people looking for a relationship have a rather limited awareness of what their expectations are. I know I did. Many of our hopes and dreams for the future lie buried, only to be revealed as disappointments when we find they are not happening.

Here are some thoughts on "Expectation Management:"

1. Try to spend equal time exploring the other person's expectations. It's easy to focus on your own needs, especially when the one you're with is happy to meet them.

2. Become aware of your own expectations. This takes a lot of personal growth and self discovery. This is a great thing to do before you're even in a relationship.

3. Think about your "family of origin" and what roles your father or mother played. Since my mom had dinner on the table every night by 5:30, I may expect that from Susi. And since her dad paid bills promptly and kept good financial records, that's something she will see as a part of my job.

4. Learning good communication skills helps you discover needs and expectations. Active listening can bring out expectations that may have been assumed, putting them into words. This is a sign of maturing love.

It's not possible to begin adjusting your expectations until you know what they are. In this way self-awareness contributes to mature love. Attempting to be "other-centered" apart from these personal insights will be inherently limited.

I'm convinced that as we trust the love that we find in a committed relationship, we discover wounds that have been affecting us all of our lives, and find the healing that we desperately need. This benefit of marriage makes it worth pursuing in spite of the risks and challenges involved.